How to be Goth

Written by Tristan Lovecraft, these are Ten easy steps to being a drama queen, I mean, Goth queen!

1.) Whine about everything. This is the most important part. Granted, whining is universal. A girl can whine and not be Goth. But, to be a Goth Girl, you must whine. You broke a nail? People don’t understand you? People who are popular mock you? Seek refuge and take solace! A whine of particularly good vintage will help set things at ease.

2.) Have no sense of perspective. Remember, anything that happens to you has never happened to anyone before. Or, if similar things have happened to others, it was with nowhere near the severity it encompassed in destroying your life.

How to be Goth

3.) Your life is infinitely more interesting and important than others’. Everyone wants to know the up to date minutiae involved in your daily existence, no matter how pointless.Your friend’s parents have died in agony after being sliced out of a flaming car crash. That’s nothing compared to any of the dozens of major misfortunes you suffer daily. Your suffering extends to levels unfathomable to cancer patients because your artsy boyfriend, who wears eyeliner and fangs while writing incoherent verse detailing his severe committment issues, is being “distant”.

4.) Create a web page that tells all of your most embarrassingly personal secrets. This step is crucial. With it you join the vast online sorority of Phi Glooma Gotha. Also involved in this step is to get into online cat fights, called flame wars, with sorority sisters. It’s important as well to complain how you can’t trust anyone, and dedicate pages of web space to describe all actions said and done. Be prepared to retract such statements as necessary.

5.) Dress like Morticia Addams but never be satisfied with your looks. Looks are important, but remember, it’s important that you never think you look good. You’re going to be a Goth Girl. If you want to be happy and self confident, go become a cheerleader. Dyeing your hair every other week is recommended, as is paying extra attention to fashion. Pointing out fellow Goth Girls’ appearance issues as derogatorily as possible is encouraged.

6.) You are smarter than everyone else, thus better. This should probably rank higher on the list. It’s the most critical self realization of the awakening Goth Girl. There’s a reason you’ve been reading books instead of talking to people; now you know it! Make sure to use obscure words as often as possible. The true mark of a Goth Girl is for the plebes to read what you write and need to refer to a dictionary at minimum once a sentence.

7.) Hate Drama Queens, but be one. Wouldn’t that make you a hypocrite, you ask? No. Self loathing is of course required to be a Goth Girl, but is unncessary in this instance. There is nothing worse than a primadonna Goth Girl Drama Queen who blows everything out of proportion. At every instance you must point out acts of Drama for what they are, but also seek Drama of your own, which you will blow out of proportion, write about on your web page, and defend yourself against fellow sorority sisters who attack you for being a Drama Queen.

8.) Enjoy awful music. A list of acceptable music will be provided for you. Choice selections include The Cure, Bauhaus, and Depeche Mode. Any band that has never had a Top 40 single is automatically approved. Remember, it’s our common embrace of unknown groups that makes us so individual.
How to be Goth

9.) Value pets above humans. Animals now mean more to you than people. Love your pets without *loving* your pets. If you have to swerve to avoid hitting a squirrel but that means hitting a human, there are too many people in the world anyway. Have conversations with your pets.

10.) Accept that no matter what, you are doomed. Your parents won the lottery? The ticket will burn before they turn it in. You won a scholarship to Harvard? Massachusetts is cold, and your room mate will be Barbie. You’re a Goth Girl now. The world is a conspiracy against you. Fate is a fixed game you can’t win dealt from a stacked deck by a crooked dealer.

There you go! 10 Quick and easy steps to becoming a Goth Girl. Follow these and you are well on your way. The journey is not yet complete, but you have a good head start. The key is to observe others, and copy from them to secure your originality!

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