People seem to avoid my guestbook, probably because they don’t want to answer questions about themselves.
Unless you denote otherwise, I will print all emails sent to me that I think have absolutely nothing or something to say.
I guess they aren’t all freaky, in fact, some are pretty cool. I just like to post everything that everyone
emails me. Nothing is private on the web! Muahahah!

This is Breanne henri aka. speed (hee hee) with a few tips. (I’ll send you
my photo when i receive your kit and perfect my look.) DRUGS, are important
not that im implying anything but its always good to be as thin as humanly
possible and heroin cheeked. Also when using black eyeliner make sure you
put a dark thick line of it dirrectly under your bottom eyelashes it gives a
more sunken and evil effect. PLus you should already be as pale as you can
get, try sleeping as little as possible and when you do sleep make sure
bright lights are on so its just a light sleep,for a more restless and
tormented look, and don’t forget that when it’s bright outside it should
always be dark inside, try watching movies such as the rocky horror picture
show and really crappy B-films over and over with all the light on plus try
being too cold so you always look sort of unhealthy and pale, kind of
uber-deadish. If your not really concerned with your health,note
drugs-cocaine or heroin, ( down town vancouver where i live is great for
that), you should smoke. Always were SILVER jewelery or if absolutely
necesary WHITE gold. As for books and music, Marilyn Manson is god, although
after Anti-christ superstar it was more glam than goth, there are some very
depressing/gothic songs on mechanical animal such as speed of pain,
fundamentaly loathsome,The last day on earth and coma white plus his new
thing, Holywood, kicks seriouse ass i seriously love THE NOBODIES. I
recomend B- movies which are those really stupid ones from the 40’s with
really pathetic budgets like, PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE and THE
MOLE-PEOPLE. And i only have one book to add to your book list, SALEMS LOT
by Stephen King.
I love your site,
with all my un-holy power

Hello there!
Just an e-mail to say your sites are fab! I used to work as an actor at the
London Dungeon and was constantly amused by the barrage of 16 year olds
coming around in their too-big manson t-shirts, greasy centre parted hair,
cheap plastic chokers and brand new Doc Martens. They expected the place to
be filled with goths or Elvira, as we dressed up in full costume and white
make-up but they found it full of trained actors!
The only reason we had black tail coats and high neck black bustle dresses
on is because that is what they wore in 1888 (in the jack the ripper
section), as for white make up – we wore this so our faces could be seen in
the dark! (and of course in 1760 – another dungeon section – Newgate jail,
all fashionable lords and ladies wore white make up to hide the smallpox
scars!) How devistated they all were to find out we were not Satan
worshippers but in fact that I used to play a Puritan in the 1666 section!
Anyway – I had noticed the mystery of OI! was being debated on your site –
coming from London, there is no mystery here. If you speak to a ‘cockney’
those who speak with their rhyming slang, and come from the east of london,
they will shout to you on the street OI! to attract your attention, it’s
quite a rude way to speak to someone so it is most commonly used in ways
such as this “OI you! stop having a butchers (butchers hook =look) at my
bird (girl) or I’m gonna smash ya in the boat (boat race = face)” or “OI
copper, you ain’t taking me down the nick (prison) shut it or you gonna be
bleedin’ all dahn ya whistle (whistle and flute = suit). It’s typical london
street talk and punk bands have to say it cos those great cockneys the sex
pistols and Sham 69 did, i suppose. If America bands say it then that’s a
bit strange, really.

Anyway fare well from England ( spiritual home of the goth, one supposes)

you missed a few real good goth bands like opeth, ashes, emperor stuff like
that… bout cradle of filth, angelwhore or lacuna coil…but ur site’s
well not a goth girl, but i am a goth boy and i’ve been 1 since i was
12 (4 years)..i got no recent pictures but i am deeply gothic…anyway goin
on about bollocks…keep up the good work..byee

Dear Mr. Spark,

I have recently been pointed by an associate towards your page, ‘Insta Goth Kit’, and I have found it to be one of the more interesting screamings into the void of the World Wide Web. Indeed, I feel myself obliged to say – as a representative of the goth community in general, and the Oxfordshire, England goth community in particular – that you are one of the more gallant and open warriors in the fight against the oppression that our subcultures are constantly crushed under by the ignorant masses. However, I do also feel obliged to note a minor omission: this is in the measure of occult power, using the B. Lugosi-C. Adamson scale, which – as I’m sure you are aware – includes weight of mascara and earring length (Metric, I’m afraid, but I’m sure there’s a conversion table to Imperial somewhere) to calculate one’s occult power or potential. One does tend to shy from discrimination, naturally, and ‘popularity’ and ‘credibility’ are both unpleasant words – but it would be fairy accurate (cynical as it may seem) to state that occult power can be correlated distinctly to one’s acceptance as a gothboi/girl.

Although I am fairly sure that as well-informed a goth as yourself has access to a copy of this scale, please find attached a summary of the basic gradient. (This assumes the average full bottle of mascara to be ~ 8ml.)

NO LEVEL GIVEN: Un-Goth: Mascara < 1ml, earring length negligible/small studs/sleepers. This creature is not generally found outside Pizza Express or Brown's, and should be regarded with EXTREME CAUTION. Students under 3rd level: Do not attempt to tackle this entity on your own. Content yourselves with quiet ridicule in packs, until you can find a goth of the Adept level or above capable of LAMPING THE GIT.
LEVEL ONE: Wannabe: Mascara 1-3ml, earring length <= 3cm. Only beginning on the path to true Gothood (you can say it with only one consonant cluster, it sound better than 'gothness'), you are still to become ENLIGHTENED in the MYSTICAL and ANCIENT ways of the Black Sages. Some adepts capable of minor miracles, e.g. convincing 'tenders they're legal, getting free tickets, at this level, but don't expect too much.
LEVEL TWO: Beginner: Mascara 3-6ml, earring length 3-5cm. The more advanced students will quickly progress to this level, having mastered the basics of applying black lipstick in a moving vehicle and NEVER returning anyone else’s makeup. At this level, tasks such as: persuading reluctant metallers that they /really/ want to have their sideburns plucked/eye make-up increased/chains replaced with black studs, shouting about one’s angst in the middle of the high street and getting away withit, and spitting on passing teenyboppers become close to second nature.

LEVEL THREE: Adept: Mascara 6-8ml, earring length 5-10cm. Having studied for several years the ways of such greats as Lugosi and Early Manson (before the Elevatormusic Aliens invaded his brain), the student can expect to reach this level. Dark poetry sessions begin here, if not earlier. The bedroom should already be wallpapered in black with a bat mobile above the bed, the windows should be suitably duct-taped and otherwise lightproofed; the only light allowed near an Adept is the glare reflecting from his or her lipstick. ‘Androgyne Syndrome’ begins to set in at this point for gothboiz. And some gothgirls. At this level, one no longer has to waste one’s saliva on teenyboppers and other anomalies, because any ‘Happy Cheery Fun People’, on catching an Adept’s eye, implode from sheer weight of Angst.

LEVEL FOUR: Advanced: Mascara 8-16ml, earring length 10-50cm. Bed? Don’t be stupid. You sleep in a coffin, the scars on your wrists from attempted suicide attemps (Vertically – not horizontally. Vertically – not horizontally. Make it your mantra, make a little reggae tune out of it: Vertically – not horizontally. I don’t want you taking up my air any longer) have now covered the skin so much that you’ve forgotten your original skin tone (although going by your face, ‘month-dead corpse’ would be a good bet). Your angst has now developed a personality and private life of its own, and may be having a gloomy and mutually destructive relationship with Sharon-Next-Door’s schizophrenia. By this time, it is generally accepted that the advanced student will have a small following of ‘Wannabes’ and ‘Beginners’, referred to as an ARMY OF THE NIGHT, and useful for apprentices, blood slaves, kinky bondage partners, coatracks – whatever you want to do with them. It is strongly encouraged for those at this level of power to begin introducing Un-Goths to the faith: this is best done by playing Queen Adreena constantly while they sleep (ha! Fools! To waste the better part of the night in non-tortured, drooling, infantile slumber!), and spending the rest of the time grinning at them. A faster method, although one more likely to cause excessive ANGST later on (What the hell! The more the merrier!) is to use your ARMY OF THE NIGHT to hold them down while you cover them in kohl and force studded collars around their throats. Powers at this level include the automatic destruction of any stereo playing Steps or SClub7 within a ten-mile radius of the goth, a facility for dominating the minds of innocents and forcing them to do things like go into surf clubs wearing fishnet, and the legendary discipline of Free Drinks.

LEVEL FIVE: Child of the Night: Mascara > 32ml, earring length > 1m. Sinister. Bitch. What else is there to say? Very few on the Path Of Goth ever reach this level, although those who do – well, let us just say that those with this much concentrated occult power have nothing to fear. Even Vampire: The Masquerade LARPers, yes, even the scary Irish Camarilla people with prosthetic fangs, flee in terror at the sight of one of these creatures. Their powers are unknown, because nobody witnessing a demonstration has ever lived (or unlived, or whatever) to tell the tale. Let’s just say that at this level, ‘Black’ isn’t even an issue any more. We’re into fuligin.

Naturally, the true hierarchy and scale is more complex and detailed than this, and has really funky black CGI and dancing rats across the page and stuff (I’ve seen a copy! Honest!), but I thought this might do for some of the beginners or even (gasp) Un-Goths you might have visiting your page.

Go with the night, my Brother in Angst,
Morticia Sepulchra de Crepusculo

hi. my name is shannon. i just want you to know that i’m gothic and i worship marilyn manson. i love my life. why would you want to help people love death? that’s not what makes you gothic. i believe that you have to be yourself, wear black all the time, and scare the shit out of people(haunt them for the hell of it!!). you can believe whatever you want, but death is just too fucked up for millions of us.

I’m so thrilled you understand the pain of being a Goth, (I didn’t think
anyone understood me) I dig yer dark little tips, they just make me want to
die, die, die, my hair black then staple my wrist to my forehead and smoke a
clove. also the battle of subculture goes as such, punks hate Goths because
they bitch to much and look better in skirts, Goths hate punks because they
have prettier bondage gear and can pull off eyeliner without being called a
fag, and everybody hates ravers because … well their pretty damn self
explanatory thanks for yer stimulating web page. Eternally grateful, mistress
of total and complete indescribable agony…

Recently I have visited all of the insta kit pages… not realizing they
were jokes, but I didfind them to be very informative. Although I think
you need to make some other insta kits because I did not fit into any of
the categories.. I guess you probably should add an insta prepkit *lol*
But that’s just me
Although I was lookin’ back on some of the comments other peeps made,
and on your replies… I would seriously like to learn more about being
a goth… You really didn’t have much for music I have quite a few Goth
friends and I think you need to add oldschool nirvana to your list and
also the attitude part rreally didn’t help you know? Well if this makes
any sense I’m not trying to be offensive but trying to give some helpful
critisism. and wondering where I can learn more about Goth culture? If
you could be of any help I’d appreciate it Thanx

This moron isn’t even goth and she is trying to give ME “constructive criticism”? What a loser? Nirvana as a goth band?

Message: i was on earily an told my friend thathe needed to see this hes got sumthing he want to ask.hi my nae is chris
an jay told me i want a real goth so i said i wouldlook at now i see he was right!!!! now number 1 can we
beleave in god?!?!?!?! 2 can we listen to people like papa
roach an slipknot 3can a goth paint flames an other stuff
like that on his or her face??an if we order the insta goth
kit what do wedo with the rats keep them or eat their bllod
cuz it might seem that u could poisen them oinfest them wit
hiv well i got to go so if u can send the answers to jay so
i can see them if that no trouble on ur part. hopefully
goth jay an chirs

This one is so pathetic that I put it in both my freaky page and comments page.

  1. No, you can’t believe in God. Only Satan. Satan is your master now.
  2. Papa Roach and Slip Knot are shitty metal. They are for metal heads, not goths.
  3. Only paint upside crosses and spiderwebs on your face. Flames are not gothic.
  4. All rats are gauranteed not to be HIV positive, but any other diseases you are taking your chances with.
  5. You are not goth, so don’t even hope.
  6. Have a nice day.

. I dug your page especially the manson part I am a big fan but I can
relate to your comments about overzealous manson fans. I also share your
contempt for people who want individuality prepackaged and on sale. Your
work is very creative. I especially like the dry humor aspect of it.
I am willing to bet that there really are people who take your page as an
instructional page.Anyways much praise for your efforts. As far as the
religious aspect of it what religion are you?
This is just out of personal curiosity. Are you a goth your self? What
sort of music do you like? Respond if timing and schedule permits. Keep up
the good work. Its really boring here in TN and pages like yours help me
keep my sanity.

This is the most well written email I have ever received! How
polite! And he got the joke! *tearing up, sniffle* And I thought I was
doomed to badly written hate mail for the rest of the year thanks to the
Insta Punk Kit.

i dont know if you lot are goths but if you are you are allowing annoying
goddam trendies to be a goth for no other reason than than thier annoying
jeans are in the wash

How am I allowing trendies to be Goth? Aren’t the ‘trendies’ making
themselves ‘goth’? heheheh

Hey, i dont necisarily want to BE a goth…i just want to find some
cute goth girls (they are out there…), but i dont know where the hell to
go!!!, im only 17 so i cant go to “goth clubs” (if i could figure out
where the hell they are), so do u have any suggestions on where to go?

if u plan to write me back…do it at this address
XXXX , dont hit reply (i still live with my parents [for
about another year], we share a mail box, and they want me to go out with
the nice little christian girls…)

uhhh…whats a good goth name…?


genius muh ass! i understand the whole joke concept but why dont u go and
crack o n total losers who deserve it for example yourself and any other
preps and jocks who completely dont understand the lifestyle.

Hehehe I understand the lifestyle more than you understand how to
spell. This page isn’t meant for jocks and preps who won’t understand the
joke. It is for people who have been involved in the gothic subculture
long enough to understand the difference between REAL gothick crap and
that annoying shit that poseurs THINK is gothic.

What KIND OF SICK MOCKERY OF THE GOTHIK SUBCULTURE is this page ure running?come on whats with
your little claris works art?you couldnt just grab a bunch of posers off the street and take thier
this wasnt meant to sound insulting,but it is true.

Why don’t you send me some pictures of yourself, then, POSEUR! I used the greatest of all programs for my artwork: MS PAINT! MUAHAHAHAH!
Programs used to create this monstrosity of a webpage:

MS Paint,
Paintshop Pro,
GIF Animator,
and other stuff, I suppose ..


I was just a-moseying around the internet when I
discovered your truly humerous
pages relating to the poking-fun-at of the gothic and
punk subcultures. The funniest
part is…most of it is true. My personal style is a
mixture of quite a few things, and
two of them are punk and goth. I have my Black Flag
and my black lipstick.

Anyway I have some questions and comments…

know says that,
and it sounds really stupid.

2. Oh, and Blink 182 is not the punk-est of all punk
bands, they are the fruitiest,
pansiest, wimpiest, most unorigional sellout-iest of
all the punk bands. They have
their name on UNDERWEAR for god’s sake!

3. Save Ferris is most definetly not a punk band,
they are a ska band. Thank
yewww very much.

4. Should I really rub bleach into my skin? (tee hee

well thank you for taking the time to read this and
kudos on the web pages.


I have no idea where the Oi Oi thing came from, but I have been flamed about it on numerous accounts..LOL

okay, goths are trying to be different from the “mainstream crowd” yet in
doing this they are complete posers of every other goth….dressing in that’s original. They lack originality…so doesn’t that defeat
one of the purposes of being goth???? HOW LAME!!! anyway, your site is
sooooo funny…..keep up the “goth” work

-ozma refuses to be goth

Not all goths wear black because they want to look Gothic. But there are MANY who DO wear black
(can we say “insta goths”?) BECAUSE they think it makes them look gothic, and therefore are merely
conforming to a different group. So yes, they do lack originality. 🙂 You hit it right on the
nail, but I do believe there are REAL goths out there who don’t just wear black to be “gothic”. So
I have to defend them..kinda.

heeyyyyyyy, i dont actually know why i am maling u, but, what the heck!…i think your
website is
totally kool and just keep up the great work dude/dudette – i think u are a dude…lol
P.S did u
know that you have enough tissue inside your lungs to wallpaper the entire room?!
well, yet another
useless fact…see ya! luv the stuntgirl!

I am getting rather confused over this whole “he/she” thing..

Just stumbled into your webpage. Thought it was the funniest thing I’ve
ever seen online. The whole jumbled scene of “Im gother than you” is
bullshit. Its not a goddamn contest. Anyway, people shouldnt care what
you are (rivethead, goth, whatever) they get all pissed about being
prejudged and then prejudge themselves. By nature of music and
clothing, my woman toy and i might be called “goths” but whose to make
that decision? eat drink and be merry. styles/labels are not boundries
on which to base your friends. they are just what you happen to like on
your stereo and in your closet.

Subject: help me

help i wanna be a goth but i dont know much please send me stuff about
religion fashion etc

I should just throw the FAQ around here, but then no
one would look at my site. Please don’t email me these kind of questions!
I am NOT a gothic resource! And I won’t help anyone that can’t write a
well structured letter!

hi .
got any tips tp make u pale?

I have got to stop replying to these people, they always catch me
when I am in the nastiest mood. I emailed them back saying that they
should rub bleach into their skin. Their reply was utterly

Reply: wow, that was really stupid

And spelling “to” with a “p” isn’t…

Nice website. I personally don’t believe that goths get enough
ridicule from society so it’s good that you’re helping to
rectify the
situation. Two ponits to be made though:

You neglected to mention that to be a goth you have to consider
yourself to be SUCH an indivdual but look EXACTLY like
every other goth
in the world.

You also neglected to mention that you have to be gay
and “out of
the closet” but never actually have sex with, or even
touch, anyone of
your own sex, or anyone of the opposite sex either for
that matter.

See Ya

p.s. Alice Cooper is the ultimate Goth, Marilyn Manson
copied him

Cooper may seem like the original, but he never took it seriously. For
him, it was all about stage dramatics and having fun. Marilyn Manson takes
himself too seriously, thereby rendering himself as a very pathetic
person, similar to the way in which Insta Goths take themselves all to
seriously, thinking that they are “true gothicks!”

Hehe and I thought all Goths were BI! (Except the really cute bois..they
are all gay)

From a
webtv user 😛

i think that if u want to make fun of people like that
then u should just get a life cuz thats bull

Part 1.

Emailed to my USC account: I Love your tips and your kit but could
you give
me some more makeup tips
since Im black(african american) thanks

Emailed to my Kontrol account (the same day): How do I get the
you for your kit and how am I to know that Im not gonna get ripped off(no
offense). Because I hate getting ripped off I rip genitalia off when Im
pissed. 🙂 V^^^V.

Part 2.

Emailed to me after I flamed her: Can I say OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its ok I really needed that see I know this girl and shes telling me that
cant do this and cant do that , she said that i couldnt sing industrial(i
want to be in a bad) because I was black, she said it would be like mariah
carey trying to sing NIN. I dont even sound like her.!!

For future reference, you fill out a check to “S. Kaleel” and
email me for the address to send it to. When it gets lost in the mail and
mysteriously cashed, I will email you to tell you that I am currently out
of kits.

ummmm not a critism… but goth tends to me dark.. whys ur page PINK of all colours…!

Don’t you know? Pink is the new black! Actually, it is SUPPOSED to be purple…and there are
ENOUGH “goth” pages out there with a black BGCOLOR!

i have tan skin,but it’s light.i want to go goth because i don’t want to
dress like every other girl and because dressing like everyone else is
boring.every where i go goths are white.i’m not white.should i be

u are stupid. please quit making fun of goths because goths don’t make fun
of u. i said that your page was pretty funny becuz it was kinda funny. but u
really should stop making fun of goths. bye.

From: “melissa_ reznor”
what is going on in your head?
are you ok?
geeze really?
i’m pretty worried …
people like you should seek help
i’m appauled at the fact that none of you “friends” have
told you how
badly you portray yourself on your page.
you don’t seem to be a stupid person.

Seek help!

From: ImSooooGoth


hello dark sister, i hope you read this at night as to not strain your eyes
with that wicked thing called sunlight, you might just burst into flames or
ash!!!! hope to hear you are depressed and dreary you queen of gothiness
you… oohhh soooo goth, soooo sad and depressed…. you and your dark
cloths, your occult paganism, your methemphetamines, your hot topics, your
zima!!!! be at you dark vile creature of the night!! be at you!!! Run off
with your drugs and your drooges into the cemetary mist while holding candles
slicing your arms to bitz. Play your Masqueraid oh gothie one, suck the
blood of… meat packaging. Have sex with men who look like women and sleep
with women because it’s a fad… Throw your soul into a vortex of drama and
always remember… you are holier than thou. Remember to keep that dark
gothie stick up your ass, and you can use it for eyeliner too! Make sure to
make your flesh as pale as snow, and use your face as a coloring book, draw
spider webs and other… oh sooooo spooky things., all over that preety
canvas of a face… But as the sun is rising sister, I must depart… Stay
out of the sun light, and remember, only Marilyn Manson can be gothier than
you… *.*as she turns to you she blows you a kiss from her ebony black lips.
Then spins about in a cloud of smoke blowing any paper in the room about,
flames errupt from the floor and swallow her whole leaving only bats flying
in every direction squeeking and squelching*.*

Licking Razor Blades,

Lady Misery

From: “June Smith” 
I am suprized you didn’t metion Hottopic…I use to work there and Goths
come in from all over. I love Goth people they are so misunderstood and
just like everyother Goth out there.

(Goths) Much like cats, I live to kick, they don’t do anything back they
just look at
me really mean…Then I chase them with Bibles or holy water…Its fun trust

P.S. see I am so goth I am the x1st death in xxxxxxx. (christ shoot me)
Fuck, goths ha.

From: “kallweit”
Greetings fellow goth,

I, like you, enjoy to live my life in angst and constant misery, pitying and detesting the poor mortal ingrates we call… chochies… I enjoyed your
website. It brought a small amount of pleasure to my illbegotten life which is fading as I correspond this letter to you. I disliked your constand ramblings
of Marilyn Manson…. I do indeed belive he looked rather “gothy” in Antichrist but alas, he is no longer, his “gothness” has been vanquished. Marilyn
Manson is indeed a talented artist and very much enjoy his style but I must strongly disagree that he is the “king of all goths.” That aside, your photo
was breathtaking my dear. I am glad to see that there are other goths in this world plaugued with the overbearing burden of reality whom take pride in their

If you wish to contact me for some reason my e-mail adress is as follows, and remember rejected one… life is a sexually transmitted disease (thats why
all life loving individuals should long for death) and remember you are unique…. just like everyone else.

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