We at the Insta Goth Kit Team understand that once you acquire this product, you will have to become an outcast of society to truly become goth, and if you are underage, this means you don’t get to go to the goth clubs and sulk in the corner (MOPEYGOFF!). This can, of course, become a very boring existence. Therefore, we provide you with a nifty booklet on GOTHIC HOBBIES such as goth drawing!
Hobby #1:
Drawing is a sign of creativity. That is why we promote goth drawing. Goths are generally creative. Therefore, you must become a decent artist, since you will have to master painting your face with odd spiderwebs and Death squiggles. When you DO draw, ONLY draw dark and spooky things, like bats, spiders, anarchy symbols. For those that just have no artistic talent, we supply the GOTHIC STENCIL PACK!
Gothic stencil pack includes: Bat, Spider, the word “spooky” in cool letters, a Marilyn Manson logo, and the NIN logo, with the third “N” backwards. (I spent so many years in high school trying to perfect that damn N!)
Hobby #2:
Poetry.
Alas, how misunderstood I am!
with my hand to my forehead, nothing can stop this pain
the angst of living, bearing down on my life like the cursed sun!
My black velvet clothes are wrinkled again!
When will mom learn that these are dry clean only?
Remember, all true artists and poets were greatly misunderstood, much like the gothy people are. That is why we are outcasts! Because *hand to forehead* we are all so misunderstood!
Hobby #3:
Converting normals to your outcast lifestyle will now become your goal. Trust me, these hobbies are more fun with someone else to sulk with. That is why the Insta Goth Kit has a special: Buy now and get two kit’s at half price! Being miserable with someone else is twice the fun!
Hobby #4:
A blood red digital camera is included in the kit, so that you can take photographs of your new gothic life and upload them to your [social media site of choice]. Pictures of graveyards, dead animals, and self photos of yourself in all your black velvet, white face glory ON the gravestones are perfect! You must PROVE you are gothic, and photos are the perfect way to show your future children you early subcultural days! (Insta Goth Kit is NOT responsible for future offspring thinking that you were a geek in any of the Insta Goth Kit provided materials)
Hobby #5:
Now that you are a goth, and an outcast, you will probably be surfing the web too often. GOOGLE IS YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND
Hobby #6:
Collecting odd and unusual things, such as dead rats, lighters, sharp pointy objects, funny scarf thingummies, etc. We here at the Insta Goth Kit can give you pointers on how to preserve small dead animals, and light things on fire. We also recommend that you collect small sticks, so you can make those weird dangly things from the “Blair Witch Project” (oooh, soooo spooky! Tres Goth, Trust me!)
DEPRECATED Hobby #7:
It’s essential that you post a webpage with a horrid color scheme, graphics depicting vampyres or Deathe (note spelling). Make sure the links are as difficult to read as possible, and that nothing is aligned properly. Being so distraught as a true goth should be, how can anyone expect that you make your page look reasonable? Some great examples of this can be found at www.gothgoose.net. Don’t forget the spinning ankhs, blood bars and doting tribute to the King of all Goths, Marilyn Manson!
Hobby #8:
Cultivate unusual pets. Use them as accessories. The best ones are tarantulas, cats, and if you can get them, the large Amazon spiders that eat birds. Black mice. Rats. Name them things like “Aristophanes” and “Twiggy Ramirez”. What can be more Gothik than being covered in real spiderweb??
Hobby #8:
Collect the works of Shelley, Byron, Poe, Dahl, and Hawthorne. Goths are very intelligent, and pride themselves on being well read. But you don’t need to read most of it, just memorize a few quotes to put on your webpage to “prove” you did read them! Just make sure they look good on your bookshelf beneath the fake (or perhaps, real) spiderwebbing.
Buy your books from antique stores. That way, you have the “gothic” leatherbound versions, and they also look read. You don’t want brand new, untouched copies from the local corporate bookstore featuring the latest movie adaptation cover on these books! BIG No-No.
Also, a nice big copy of Gray’s Anatomy will not only give you that extra “creepy” factor, but will make you appear even more intelligent.
