• Philosophy on life? Philosophy, what’s that? If you can think about why you go through life depressed and unhappy, while pretending to be cool, you’re not emo. To be emo, you have to think with the crowd, not think for yourself.
  • The height of achievement for an emo boy is to live to forty while mooching off his parents and clutching their inheritance. This will allow the emo boy to go to emo concerts in the future and listen to the same old derivative music that got its start in the punk movement back in the 70’s. Ah, we mean the 90’s. If any emo music you listen to has its roots in anything before 1998, then you’re old school and therefore not emo.
  • Starting an emo band allows for an even bigger attitude. The following are the steps to starting an emo band:
    1. You have to safely rip off the music of other emo bands you listen to. Originality is not emo.
    2. You have to pick a good name. Mineral, Knapsack, Braid, Chisel and Castor have all been taken, but an ordinary name is good. It implies emptiness and unhappiness. Even better, combine it with something nonsensical like bands such as Pedro the Lion, Texas is the Reason or Seven Storey Mountain.
    3. To score it big, a name like Fork the Big Bear or Penciled Black Earth Widgets might help you go platinum.
    4. In the emo world there is no such as thing as being too ordinary, despite the fact that anything original wouldn’t be emo. A common song like “Sucky Loser Girls” wouldn’t work, but a better title like “She Says I’m Too Smart” or “No Friends – No Life: would be a hit.
  • Perhaps the emo hit of 2002 will be “Short Fat Dweeb with a Right Hand Girlfriend” It’s catchy, it implies hople-lessness, and most importantly of all, it corresponds to most emo kids.
  • Guys: Write EMO love songs for your girlfriends. Write about how you miss the scent of her hair and her clam. EMO also really dig it when you give them a promise ring to symbolize your love. Just make sure it’s not a 25 cent ring unless that’s how you really feel. If you do not have a girlfriend, then you should write a songs for your cat.
  • Girls: Write your EMO boyfriend love letters about how every other guy you have dated in the past has not made you feel the way you feel when you’re with him. Talk about the emo names for your unborn children: Dexter, Nathan, or Davie.
  • The trick is to act as if you are completely impoverished. Sure your parents make a considerable amount of bling bling each year, but act as if you cannot even afford a cup of water.
  • Always walk slowly while looking at the ground, and speak in a light and painful voice whenever someone speaks to you. Always talk about your personal problems, and if you’re truly emo, interject your personal problems with the lessons you found in your Jets to Brazil or Getup Kids lyrics from the CD you ripped off Kazaa because you are too poor to buy it yourself.
  • In class, casually remark how prices are going up at the local thrift store, and you can’t seem to buy that pair of third or fourth hand greasy tennis shoes on that shoestring budget of yours because you spend your money on bus fair and concert tickets so you can go see your favorite bands each month play the same music and take your money so they can produce more of the same stuff that you’ll rip off Kazaa next year.
  • In personal discussions, center your life around talking about how bad your parents treated you, and how you’ve been through numerous fruitless relationships and are looking for an emo girl because she knows what you’re going through. No personal discussions should concern anything positive, enlightening, or worst of all, happiness. Remember, if you’re happy with your life, then you’re not emo.
  • Your IM screen name or email address should consist of some dramatic or superficial word surrounded by X’s. The X’s denote that you are either straightedge or ‘hardcore’. If you don’t know what either of those two words mean, then just take our word on the fact that if you want to be emo, your online handle must be surrounded by X’x. Personal favorites: XXsobbingKittenXX or XXtooEmo4YOUxx
  • Emotions are the key to being emo. Act like your kitten just died, and you don’t have a damn friend in the whole wide world. When people ask you how you feel, then you should reply with the following adjectives: morose, empty, bitter, lost, aloof, distant, sad, heartbroken, or my personal favorite “I don’t know how I’m feeling”.
  • To get away with pretending that your girlfriend dumped you and you’re all depressed, an emo guy has to be short, chubby, and wear thick glasses to make the impression that he was dumped for a jock. It especially helps if you wear wristbands or mark your hands with an X like you’re straightedge, not to mention getting your ears pierced so you can give the impression that she dumped you for a guy that’s straight and a jock.
  • If you’ve got a guitar, sit outside one day while everyone’s going to class and strum a lousy ballad while you whine about how your parents are cutting your allowance and you can’t go to Wal-Mart anymore to spend money.
  • As long as you project an air of coolness with your whiny depressive attitude and those preppy clothes that you bought from the thrift store, you’re on your way to being an emo rockstar.
  • Acting effeminate is all about being emo, since you’re trying to find yourself while recovering from being dumped. And since most emo guys are actually straight, you shouldn’t fret that you’re acting all gay when you’re really aren’t. Remember, being emo is all about looking cool. And even if you don’t score a babe, you’ll still meet lots of girls who want to have you as their best friend, giving you the impression that you have lots of girlfriends when in reality they just tell you their problems because they think you’re gay.

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